Internet Dating Made Easy

I’m with a friend in a deeply murky craft cocktail lounge, one that is clearly part of a new trend here in Los Angeles. There are no bartenders in a place like this; instead, well-groomed mixologists use a panoply of archaic metal tools to prepare drinks containing Indian spices, garden-grown herbs, and bizarre, unpronounceable liquors. Spirits here are sold at a premium, but what with all the muddling and the careful hand-crafting, each cocktail takes at least fifteen minutes to put together; so in the end, is it time and not quality that makes these drinks truly expensive.

I am quaffing a 20-year-old gin that has been filtered through lamb’s wool and infused with yellow curry and Asian pears (it’s all I could afford). Through the darkness, my friend complains to me that he’s completely missed out on the internet dating scene.

“There was a real stigma attached to the online thing before I was married”, he says, “but now everyone’s doing it. Like it’s totally normal.”

He takes a sip of a rare Portuguese vodka chilled with ice crushed using a pestle and mortar, and garnished with flavorful sprigs of hardened gorilla skin.

Then he says: “Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife. I’m very happy. I just wish I could have tried it. You don’t have to go mingle at any bars or stupid parties anymore. The girls are all right there in front of you in neat little rows. It would have been great to browse around, send some quick messages, then date a whole bunch and have tons of sex.”

My friend, of course, has nailed it. That is exactly what the online dating experience is like: thousands of undiscriminating, sexually ravenous women who are easily wooed into no-strings-attached relationships with just a few “quick messages”. There’s a sexual revolution going on out there; a hot, wet, anything-goes fuck-fest. It’s like the 60’s times a billion.

If you haven’t tried internet dating, I highly recommend it. There is no simpler, more gratifying way to meet people. Now, if reaching out to a multitude of voiceless, sometimes faceless strangers makes you a little nervous, not to worry– I’ve been doing this for a while now, and have become something of an expert. In fact, I’ve put together a couple of short field guides to nurse first-timers through the process.

You’re all very welcome.

JOSH FLAUM’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING — LADIES ONLY

Hello, Ladies.

You sure are looking fine. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how well that dress fits you; how your lipstick matches your shoes; how the smell of your body lotion is just strong to trigger my Pavlovian drool mechanism. Man oh man, you are really well put together.

My question is Why Bother? 

For a single woman, these are amazing times. You no longer have to get all gussied up to attract a potential mate. The truth is, you don’t even have to leave the house. The internet is your oyster. Just sign up for an online dating service (eg. E-Matchers, Old N’ Lonesome, Fat Christian Motherlode), then toss on some yoga pants, break out the Sun Chips, and follow these simple steps:

STEP 1: PICK A USERNAME

It’s imperative you pick a name that will grab your date’s attention. Typically, it’s best to employ a combination of occupation, passion, astrological sign and birth date, or simply use your first name and add on a lively suffix, (like -asaurus, or -tabulous, or -alicious).

Remember, your username is a window into your essential character, so choose wisely.

JennAlicious = You are delicious

XxXAriesGal330XxX* = You were born in March

AdventureChick117 = You like anal sex

*NOTE: The use of ‘X‘s in your name sends some fairly provocative signals, and is therefore highly encouraged.

STEP 2: COMPLETE YOUR PROFILE

This is your chance to tell a potential mate all about yourself (home town, family history, hobbies, likes and dislikes, etc.). Since most men will either skim this section or ignore it entirely, you’re better off just including the basics– body type, diet, and at least one of the following statements:

  • “I feel awkward talking about myself”
  •  “I’m looking for a partner in crime”
  • “I love to laugh”

Also, now would be the time to throw in a few random LOL’s and smileys. This is an effective way to show people that you are happy and have a sense of humor.

STEP 3: UPLOAD A PHOTO

Without a doubt, the most important aspect of online dating is your profile picture. Quite often, a good photo is all that’s necessary to motivate a man to initiate communication. This is no easy feat, but if you follow these steps, you’re guaranteed to shine:

  1. Choose a setting, preferably a car or bathroom.
  2. Lean forward.
  3. Using the insides of your arms, squeeze your cleavage until it bulges from the neckline of your shirt.
  4. Make a kissy face.
  5. Take a photo of yourself. HINT: Make certain at least part of the arm holding the camera remains visible.

If you’re uncomfortable with the above method, you can always use a photo of you and your pet. Just be sure to hold the animal up against your face tightly and flash as much of the whites of your eyes as you can. This performs the double-duty of 1) Giving men a glimpse of your maternal side and 2) Planting the subtle suggestion that you are NOT to be fucked with.

4298640-young-woman-with-pet-dog

WRONG

WRONG

WRONG

woman-and-cat

JACKPOT

STEP 4: WAIT

That’s it! Any second now, the messages should start pouring in. With any given site, you can expect to receive around 12 communications for every 1 man that has an account. 

Now go date! You earned it!

JUST REMEMBER

Men are easily intimidated by success. If you are wealthy, attended an ivy league school, or own a house, it’s best leave this information out. You especially want to avoid photos of yourself in which you’re:  A) Climbing a mountain; B) Riding an elephant or a camel, or C) Accepting an award.

JOSH FLAUM’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING — FOR THE GENTS

‘Sup, fellas?

Nice beards. Lookin’ pretty badass. Where do you work out?

Look, I’m gonna cut to the chase. It used to be that all you had to do was wink at a lady, and if she didn’t slap your face or drench you in her vodka and cranberry, you were in like Flynn.

That’s right, Errol fucking Flynn, a man who shot arrows and fought with swords back when people were awesome.

But the world has changed. Everything is upside down. Dare I say it? Things have gotten. So. Much. Better. Now, with just a few button clicks, you have access to literally millions of single women, none of whom can hit you or ruin your stripey Banana Republic shirt. All you gotta do is log on, and follow these simple steps:

STEP 1: PICK A USERNAME

Women are complicated, empathetic creatures, so it’s essential for your username to contain enough visual and emotional imagery to get their creative juices flowing. Here are some effective examples:

  • BigBrian10Inch
  • StudManJackson
  • CaptainSuperPecker

Names like these elicit a very clear mental picture, and will help to quell any confusion or doubt. But don’t struggle with it for too long. If you’re having trouble putting something together, just combine the name of a car with your favorite sport, and you’re golden.

STEP 2: COMPLETE YOUR PROFILE

For men under 5 feet 11 inches tall: Please skip this step and refer to the “Just Remember” section at the bottom of this guide.

For men 5’11” and over:  This is your opportunity to tell the women of the world that you are the real deal. Write about your Pez collection, where you play beach volleyball, and how much money you made last year flipping houses. Then, throw in a quote from one of the Austin Powers movies. She’ll hang on every word. Also, it can’t hurt to include at least one of the following statements:

  • “I feel awkward talking about myself”
  • “I work hard, and I play hard”
  • “I’m at the gym five days a week”

STEP 3: UPLOAD A PHOTO

As the great Errol Flynn once said, “A picture is worth a thousand words“. You can babble on about yourself all you want, but nothing will ever be quite as powerful as a quality photo. Now, you may be tempted to snap a shot of yourself volunteering at the burn ward or riding your Kawasaki Ninja, but in general, this is something you don’t want to over-think. All you need in order to achieve a perfect pic is to do the following:

  1. Position yourself in front of a mirror.
  2. Take your shirt off.
  3. Flex.
  4. Snap a photo. PRO TIP: Be sure to focus on your abs, not your face.
NO.

NO

HELL NO

HELL NO

DREAM COME TRUE

DREAM COME TRUE

WARNING: Certain sites will have rules against showing too much skin (see MeekMate, NeverNude and Mormon Glory). If this is the case, just toss on a hoodie and stand by the ocean. Whatever you do, do NOT upload any photos of your Mom or your cat; most women will interpret these as an inward struggle for sexual identity.

STEP 4: COMMUNICATE

Now you’re ready to make a connection. Statistically, you can expect 1 response for every 80 or 90 messages you send out. I know this sounds like it will be incredibly time-consuming, but don’t worry– you’re not writing a dissertation. Just send her a quick “HEY” and a winky-face, and move on.

You’re all set! The ladies are out there; go woo them.

JUST REMEMBER

If you are under 5’11”, you will need to lie about about your height. Women see shortness as a kind of physical deformity– like thin lips, or a vestigial twin growing out of your neck. A woman could be under 5 feet tall herself– hell, she could be a Cabbage Patch Doll riding a plastic pony– and she’d still want her mate to loom over her like a gallows. If she sees that you’re short, her inner dialogue will go something like:

He’s cute, but 5’7″? I’ll have to carry him around in a Baby Björn. He’ll need to sit in a high chair when we go out to eat, and when we make love, I’ll have to be careful not to smoosh him like a ladybug. Plus, I’ll never be able to wear heels again.

So lie. Then, when you meet her in person, all you need to do is wear thick soles, have good posture, and be AMAZING. If you think it will help, I know a place that serves a mean forty-dollar scotch-tequila blended with black licorice, egg whites, and donkey blood.

Happy Dating!

Advertisements

About Josh Flaum

Occasionally, I will buy a shirt with horizontal stripes and have immediate regrets.

7 responses to “Internet Dating Made Easy”

  1. opendialogue4themasses says :

    I loved this! For information on Entertainment/Current News, please feel free to check out and follow my blog: opendialogue4themassess.wordpress.com

  2. Naomi Leonard says :

    Your venom tickles me 🙂

  3. Anne Kemp says :

    Great- I wear yoga pants everyday and hardly leave my house. Now I see myself through your eyes…sigh. 😉

  4. donofalltrades says :

    You sir are fucking funny.

Your Comment Belongs Here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: