Trying to Publish My Smut

Taking the pseudonym ‘John Friendly’, the following is a letter I wrote  to E.L. James (the author of the very popular “50 Shades of Grey” books), asking for advice. I will let you know if she ever responds.

——————————————————————

Dear E.L. James–

First off, may I say that I am truly a huge fan. I’ve read the entire ’50 Shades of Grey’ trilogy at least five times over, and am eagerly anticipating your newest book (BTW– any titles in the works? I have some ideas if you need to pinball). My point is, what you have done for modern erotica will never be forgotten. Just the simple act of writing to you is making me extremely nervous, but from what I’ve seen on your website you seem fairly approachable, so here goes:

My name is John Friendly, and I am an aspiring fiction writer, specifically in the arena of literary erotica. I have written other types of stories, but let’s face it, who wants to read a historical biography or a book about trains when it’s just as easy to get your hands on some tasteful smut? I’d read erotic literature all day long if my boss at the aquarium would let me. He says I need to focus around the eel tank. But what does he know? Like I’m supposed to take advice from a guy who lost his lower motor functions to a Lemon Shark.

Anyway, I’ve authored quite a few erotic tales of my own (none published), and I’d love to get your opinion. Here is a sampling of a story I wrote called “Pennies for Dinner”. Tell me what you think:

saving-pennies

PENNIES FOR DINNER, CHAPTER 1 — THE HOMECOMING

Stanley Davenshire stepped out of the storm, ravenous. He’d had a hard day of work selling basketballs, and needed something to satisfy his craving. He shook the rain off his jacket, then plopped his wet hat on a brassy hook that jutted from the wall.

“Stacey, I’m home!” he cried. “And my stomach is gurgling like a raging beast.” Stanley gripped a lock of his long, golden hair with a hardened fist and squeezed some of the rain out. He let it drip onto the Victorian hardwood with a BLOP! PLIP! PLOP!

“Dinner’s almost ready,” Stacey yelled from the kitchen. “And boy, are you in for a treat.”

Stacey Devenshire emerged from the doorway wearing a bright yellow shirt, purple pants, orange gloves, and a neon pink scarf that separated her hair into stiff pigtails. In her hands, she held a covered silver platter.

“You look hot and sexy,” said Stanley. “Like all the colors of the rainbow.”

Stacey smiled knowingly. “How was work today?”, she asked.

“Work was great,” Stanley said, licking his lips. “I sold a million basketballs”. He removed his sopping-wet sweater and sat down at the table shirtless.

“Well, then you deserve this.” Stacey removed the dome cover from the platter, revealing over twenty dollars worth of shiny pennies, fresh from the oven.

“Mmmm, smells delish,” Stanley said.

“It is delish,” Stacey said, and scooped a pile onto Stanley’s plate. Then she gave herself a hot serving, and sat down to start munching.

Stanley got as many pennies as he could onto his fork, and shoveled them into his mouth.

“Yum!” Stanley said.

“Yummy!” Stacey said.

“My favorite!” Stanley said.

“Yummo!” said Stacey.

“They’re scrumptious!”, said Stanley.

“Yum yum!” said Stacey.

“Num yummy!” said Stanley.

“Yummy yum yum!” said Stacey.

“Yum nums!” said Stanley.

“Yummy!” said Stacey.

“Yummy!” said Stanley

END OF PART I

That’s all I have so far. Soon to come ‘PART II: Dice for Dessert’.

So what do you think? Is it ready to set the world’s groins on fire? The only feedback I’ve gotten up to now is from a friend of mine who suggested that selling a million basketballs in one day might not be believable. But I’m sticking to my guns– plain and simple, I feel like a guy who can’t get off his duff to sell a million basketballs doesn’t deserve hot pennies for dinner.

Anyway, If you like that story, I have written thousands more that I can send you. Other titles include: “Dirty Ham Omelet”, “Milk the Cat”, and my personal favorite, “50 Grades of Shay”, in which a young college student named Shay Irons accidentally enrolls herself in 50 pre-med classes in just one semester. She must pass every course, or risk expulsion from doctor school. And if that isn’t intense enough, there’s also plenty of spankings and BSDM on every page. I’ve already sent a copy to your agent, but I’d love to hear what you have to say.

So please write me back! Your opinion means a lot to me, and who knows– you might just be discovering the next E.L. James.

Gratefully yours,

John Friendly

P.S.

Does my name sound erotic enough to you? I’ve been thinking about changing it to give people an idea of what they’re in for. So far, all I’ve come up with are ‘Chuck Meatley’, ‘Hugh Dendum’, and ‘Dewy Splatter’. Feel free to chime in on this.

Thanks again,

John

fifty-shades-of-grey

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About Josh Flaum

Occasionally, I will buy a shirt with horizontal stripes and have immediate regrets.

10 responses to “Trying to Publish My Smut”

  1. shuchitagoel says :

    Hahaha what the hell, this is hilarious. I am really looking forward to the letter E.L. James sends you. It’ll be a riot from beginning to end and although I haven’t read her works I’m sure it’ll be funny. Kudos on this, by the way. You just gained a follower.

  2. Nandini Godara says :

    Funny how replying to Donald Trump on twitter can get your blog a new follower. But here I am!

    With regards to your letter to E.L James, I think you’re seriously shooting for the stars. I heard she’s starting work on a new erotic series so I doubt she’l have the time to reply (even though your work managed to get me all hot and bothered). If rumours on blogs are to be believed, she’s having one of her characters slam a car door on his penis for about 20 minutes. I think she has the wrong idea about “blue balls”. Anyway, I really do hope you get a reply! 🙂

  3. Mancakes says :

    Oh. My. Damn. THAT was funny!

  4. Borednicole says :

    How about “Dewy Splatter”? 🙂

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  1. Trying To Publish My Smut: Part III | I Don't Belong Here - September 6, 2014

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