Trying to Publish My Smut: PART II

Recently, under the pseudonym John Friendly, I wrote to E.L. James (the famed author of the ’50 Shades of Grey’ trilogy), asking for her professional opinion. She has yet to respond, though I imagine I will be hearing from her any day now. In the meantime, I figured it couldn’t hurt to pursue other avenues in order to make contact.

So I wrote to her literary agent, Valerie Hoskins.

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Dear Valerie Hoskins–

First off, am I allowed to call you by your first name? Do agents have titles, like “Esquire” or “Commander”? I’m fairly new to the business, so if I have breached any etiquette, please understand I mean no offense.

My name is John Friendly, and I have decided to write erotic fiction for a living. I couldn’t help but notice that you represent E.L. James– one of the great erotic fictionists of our time. So in getting down to brass tacks, I’d like to ask you two questions:

1. Are you looking for new clients? I am in need of representation, as I have written thousands of erotic short stories that are READY for publication. Trust me, we will make a bundle together. These things are STEAMY.

2. Could you make sure the following letter gets to E.L. James? I am a huge fan, and am looking for some helpful hints to hone my craft. You should feel free to read it as well– it contains an excerpt of my work, which I am sure you will find titillating. (GO HERE TO READ THE ORIGINAL LETTER)

Thanks so much,

Sincerely,

John Friendly

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Being the utter professionals that they are, the agency responded precipitously.

*************************

Dear John

You wrote to us recently regarding representation. Unfortunately, we are unable to be of any help at the moment as we have a full client list.

Just so that you are clear, though we represent EL James, this is a one off. We do not represent books, nor do we do erotic literature.

I am sorry it has taken so long to reply but  we are inundated with requests for representation.

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 4.53.15 PM

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Being a professional myself, I wrote back immediately.

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Dear Sara Moore,

I know exactly how you feel. I get inundated with all sorts of things, mostly because of my job at the aquarium. Last week, I was inundated with a skin parasite I got from rubbing up against the squids. It could have been worse; a co-worker of mine once had something lay an egg in his upper lip, and now he can’t eat with his mouth anymore. You just never know.

And please don’t feel the need to apologize for taking so long to reply. I understand you are a very busy person. Besides, I only waited three days. Sometimes it takes me longer than that to finish a Sudoku. It’s water under the bridge, as far as I’m concerned.

Now, I know you’ve said you’re not taking on any more clients, and that you don’t actually represent books or deal in erotic literature. But my friend Barbara, who is a professional Mommy Blogger, told me that the key to this business is persistence, so I have decided to give it another shot.

If you agree to represent me, you won’t be disappointed. My erotica is the real deal. I have written thousands of kinky stories that are guaranteed to make the world jitter with desire. But don’t take my word for it– check out this excerpt of my latest work, titled “Night Smooches“, a sensual tale of unstoppable vampire lust. You’d better buckle yourself in, because this is some randy stuff.

SMOOCHERS OF THE NIGHT

NIGHT SMOOCHES, CHAPTER 1 — THE AWAKENING

Ding-Dong the Vampire pushed away the lid to his coffin, and it dropped to the castle floor with a clatter. The moon was full in the sky, and Ding-Dong’s hunger was agonizing. Somewhere deep in the bowels of the distant Murk Forest, a werewolf howled. AWOOOO!

Ding-Dong looked to the far corner of the bed-chamber. Underneath a veil of spider-webs, Tristanna Starlove’s coffin lay shut; she was still at rest. Radiant as she was, Tristanna was the sleepiest vampire Ding-Dong had ever known.

“Tristanna? Tristanna, my sweet?” called Ding-Dong, as he pulled on some pants and tied a cape around his neck. “Wake up, my dearest flower. For it is time to feed.”

Slowly, Tristanna’s coffin lid swung open. She emerged gracefully, wearing rubber leggings, a feather boa, and a lacy yellow nightie that draped over her exquisite body like drool.

Tristanna arched her back and stretched her arms skyward. “Good evening, Ding-Dong my love”, she said.

“Good evening, darling heart.” Ding-Dong grabbed Tristanna by the waist, and leaned in. They sucked each other’s blood.

“Your blood is divine”, Ding-Dong said. “It tastes like the ocean.”

“And your blood tickles my fangs,” Tristanna said. “It’s tart and juicy, like a blueberry.”

They sucked each other’s blood again.

“Scrumptious,” said Ding-Dong. “But now we must feed. Are you ready to fly off into the night, my sweetest?”

“Must we?” said Tristanna. “Can’t we just stay here in the castle, wrapped in each other’s arms?”

“But my dear,” Ding-Dong said, “don’t you hunger?”

“Of course I hunger. I always hunger.”

“Me too! I always hunger too!” Ding-Dong exclaimed.

“Then I suppose we should away, my love, because we hunger so much,” said Tristanna.

“Yes we do,” said Ding-Dong. “We hunger and hunger.”

Ding-Dong extended his hand to Tristanna, and she clasped it tenderly. They sucked each other’s blood again.

Then, in a POOF of green smoke, they both turned into bats, and flittered into the night.

END OF CHAPTER 1

So what do you think? Pretty hot and heavy, right? When this story is finished, I will send you the full manuscript. Right now, I’ve only written up to page 1196, so there’s still a tiny bit more to do. Also, if you enjoyed what you read, I can shuttle you a few stories that are ready to go. The ones that probably have the most commercial potential are ‘Hamster Bath’, ‘Thunder Blubber’, and ‘The Sexy Hobbit’, which is a lot like the movie ‘Body Heat’, but with a Hobbit and a Goblin. It’s an against-all-odds romance with plenty of bondage, candle wax, and B-M-S-D.

The world is ready for my eroticism, Sara Moore. Are you?

Thank you in advance for your consideration. Sincerely,

John Friendly

P.S.

Any word yet from E.L. James about my letter? I notice you don’t use periods between her first two initials– could that have held things up?

Let me know,

John Friendly

bath

HAMSTER BATH: THE WETTENING

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About Josh Flaum

Occasionally, I will buy a shirt with horizontal stripes and have immediate regrets.

14 responses to “Trying to Publish My Smut: PART II”

  1. origamiraven says :

    Clearly, the solution here is to self-publish the greatest compilation of smut ever written, and then become a multi-millionaire. Because let’s face it, that first million is in the bag with this masterpiece alone.

  2. donofalltrades says :

    Brilliant! My only suggestion would be that you change the poof of smoke to something more erotic like fuscia or blood in the undies stain red. Green evokes images of St. Patrick’s Day and it’s difficult for me to take this seriously when I start thinking about drunks and leprechauns. Also, you should include anal beads. Anal beads sell. I know you didn’t ask for input, and I apologize since I’m not a professional, but I felt compelled to be a part of this awesomeness.

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