12-Step Rundown of Every Episode of ‘Fringe’

For those of you who have not seen the TV show ‘Fringe’, here’s a quick rundown of every single episode:


1. Open on high-shock-value theoretical science crime (eg. Woman gives birth to cannibalistic rat-man hybrid; hairless, pandimensional alien blows up a bus, etc.)


“There’s a face on this man’s face. Call it in.”


2. Team called in. Hard-boiled lady FBI agent cancels her dinner plans.


“Oh, well. I didn’t want to go to Costa Rica anyway”


3. Mad scientist examines the bodies, immediately comes up with an explanation, then mumbles something about poop or penises.


“Obviously, he’s a shapeshifting porcupine vampire from an alternate reality. Oh dear… my penis is pooping.”


4. Mad scientist’s son with an IQ of 190 states out loud he doesn’t understand anything that’s going on.


“How am I supposed to understand these things if the writers don’t?”


5. Similar crime committed. Lady agent asks for assistance from highly-questionable cyborg CEO of menacing global corporation.


“Of course I’ll do everything I can to help. LOL! JK!”


6. No one knows what to do.


“Well, I’m stumped. Time to go to the Deus Ex Machina store.”


7. Mad scientist remembers the solution to everyone’s problem is hidden somewhere in his house by the beach.


“I found it embedded in the kitchen wall… right where I left it!”


8. Solution retrieved, leads to a suspect.


“Told you! Told you! Shapeshifting Vampire Porcupine! Told you!”


9. Foot chase. Lady agent gets a cut on her forehead.


“Your disguise doesn’t fool me, Shapeshifting Porcupine Vampire!”


10. Suspect is killed or sedated; menacing global corporation hides the evidence.


“I’m sorry, I have no idea what Shapeshifting Porcupine Vampire you’re talking about.”


11. Mad scientist says he’s hungry, lab assistant rolls her eyes.


“I’m going to eat this chunk of amber.”


12. Tease to larger overarching story that feels like it will never, ever get resolved.


“I’m certain we will come into play eventually. In the meantime, everybody just be SUPER cryptic.”


There. Now you’ve at least seen every episode I have. No need to watch. You’re welcome and good night.


About Josh Flaum

Occasionally, I will buy a shirt with horizontal stripes and have immediate regrets.

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