Don’t Shop Hungry

WITNESSED AT A COSTCO SAMPLING TABLE ON 08/17/13:

Customer: What are these?

Employee: Buffalo Chicken Jalapeño Cheese Cubes. They’re so good.

Customer: Aw, man. I’m allergic to jalapeño.

Employee: I’m sorry. That stinks.

Customer: Yeah. I get really dizzy, my joints go all stiff, and my throat swells shut.

Employee: Sounds terrible.

Customer: It is. I nearly died when I was a kid. I had to get a steroid shot.

Employee: Huh.

LONG PAUSE

Customer: But, I mean, how much jalapeño is actually in this cheese?

Employee: A lot.

Customer: Really?

Employee: Yeah, it’s extremely spicy.

Customer: Damn.

Employee: Sorry about that, man.

ANOTHER LONG PAUSE

Customer: Fuck it.

CUSTOMER POPS A CUBE INTO HIS MOUTH.

Customer: That is good.

CUSTOMER EATS ANOTHER CUBE. THEN A THIRD.

Customer: Holy shit. It’s super-spicy.

Employee: Yeah, that’s the jalapeño.

Customer: Wow. Do you have any water?

Employee: No.

Customer: My lips feel all puffy.

Employee: They are. And your face is red.

Customer: It is?

Employee: Are you gonna be okay?

Customer: No. I gotta go.

CUSTOMER STAGGERS AWAY. EMPLOYEE REMAINS UNBLINKING. I PURCHASE A 40-PACK OF DENTAL FLOSS. THE WORLD ADVANCES TOWARD APOCALYPSE.

THE END.

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About Josh Flaum

Occasionally, I will buy a shirt with horizontal stripes and have immediate regrets.

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