Don’t Shop Hungry
WITNESSED AT A COSTCO SAMPLING TABLE ON 08/17/13:
Customer: What are these?
Employee: Buffalo Chicken Jalapeño Cheese Cubes. They’re so good.
Customer: Aw, man. I’m allergic to jalapeño.
Employee: I’m sorry. That stinks.
Customer: Yeah. I get really dizzy, my joints go all stiff, and my throat swells shut.
Employee: Sounds terrible.
Customer: It is. I nearly died when I was a kid. I had to get a steroid shot.
Customer: But, I mean, how much jalapeño is actually in this cheese?
Employee: A lot.
Employee: Yeah, it’s extremely spicy.
Employee: Sorry about that, man.
ANOTHER LONG PAUSE
Customer: Fuck it.
CUSTOMER POPS A CUBE INTO HIS MOUTH.
Customer: That is good.
CUSTOMER EATS ANOTHER CUBE. THEN A THIRD.
Customer: Holy shit. It’s super-spicy.
Employee: Yeah, that’s the jalapeño.
Customer: Wow. Do you have any water?
Customer: My lips feel all puffy.
Employee: They are. And your face is red.
Customer: It is?
Employee: Are you gonna be okay?
Customer: No. I gotta go.
CUSTOMER STAGGERS AWAY. EMPLOYEE REMAINS UNBLINKING. I PURCHASE A 40-PACK OF DENTAL FLOSS. THE WORLD ADVANCES TOWARD APOCALYPSE.